


What Is Love Like?

by MarzNStarz



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Psychological Drama, Romance, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Tsundere
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-03
Updated: 2015-12-03
Packaged: 2018-05-04 16:02:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5340050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarzNStarz/pseuds/MarzNStarz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Have you ever felt what it's like to be unloved? To be tossed aside, to make room for someone else. To feel worthless and unwanted. Or to be second best at everything, no matter how hard you try. To have never been able to feel what love is like. Or to have never had friends. Well I have, and I'm sick of it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Have you ever felt what it's like to be unloved? To be tossed aside, to make room for someone else. To feel worthless and unwanted. Or to be second best at everything, no matter how hard you try. To have never been able to feel what love is like. Or to have never had friends. Well I have, and I'm sick of it! No matter what I do, I'll know that I'll never be the best at anything. Or to even be the best at the slightest at things. I never will be anything, but a waste of space.  
A nobody who everyone looks down at, and makes fun of. I'm nothing special, nor will I ever be to both me or anyone else. My own decisions bring me nothing but pain and misery. I cry all the time, and must seem pretty weak and useless.  
Wait a minute! I don't seem that way, because I know that I am. A coward who can't even stand on his two own feet with out crashing back down in a sea of pain and longing. I'll never know what joy feels like, or what happiness is like. My heart is nothing but a black hole of darkness, that pushes away everyone who even has the slightest care and respect for me.  
But I don't care anyway. They don't care about me, so I won't care about them. I just hope that someday. I don't grow to care for another, and for that person to care for me. I don't want to feel what others do, and it just come crashing down on me. More pain stacked on more pain like bricks. I have already felt to much for my heart to have to deal with anything of the sorts. Thinking about all of this is making me sad. Knowing that I'll never love or be loved by another. To never laugh or to smile a genuine smile that I have kept locked up, all these years.  
What is it like to smile. I have always wondered what it is like to smile when you're happy. The only smile I have ever shown was around Feli...But even that was fake...  
Feli...He smiles no matter what situation he is in. And he always keeps his head up high. And I just hope, that I will never see that smile of his. Disappear into nothing.  
I haven't even told him about my cutting addiction, nor do I plan on doing it anytime soon. If I do, i know that his smile most certainly leave...Cutting...My only answer and escape to anything and everything. I have been doing this for 3 years now. And both him and nonno haven't suspected a thing about it. But why would they. Feli is busy mostly with his friends, and nonno is to busy yelling at me to care about if I cut or not. He hates me too...Just like the rest of them...No love...No respect...No family...No shoulder to cry on...No hope...  
All I have, is my dark heart. So cold and bitter, that no one can save it from breaking and shattering. But...What is Love like...?What does it feel like to love...? And to be loved back...?  
I sigh. Here I go again with this whole love thing. I mean really it's not like I want to feel something as stupid and pathetic as that...But I still can't help but wonder what it is like...  
Will I ever be able to feel that too...? Or live a life of nothing for the rest of my life...  



	3. Chapter 2

It's been a whole week since that day. The day that I tried to rid myself from the god forsaken world that I live in. The day that I could finally get rid of all of these emotions that were eating me alive. Pain, loneliness, sorrow...I wanted it all gone.

But that is not what I got. Instead, I survived my attempts to kill myself. And now because of that, I have to deal with it all, again. I never wanted this! But it seems like fate just loves to fuck with me.

Right as of this moment I am just lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling thinking about my failure. A few days ago I was able to be released from the hospital. I wasn't really happy about that, not that I would actually want to stay there. But I knew that there were going to be questions for my previous actions.

And a lot...

But no matter how many questions they asked, I didn't answer one. I was to lost in my own mind to pay heed to them. Eventually they gave up and everyone grew silent the rest of the trip home.

'And not to mention I have school tomorrow..' I groaned at the thought. Great, just fucking great this is just what I needed! I completely forgot that i had school tomorrow. I have to see those shit faces again! The ones who made me and pushed me to my limit! The one who bullied me constantly to the point to where I what to commit suicide...and to try it...

I glanced over to my clock. '12:00' midnight. Turning my attention back up to the ceiling my eyes started to get heavy. I was dead tired, not to mention since I didn't get any sleep yesterday. I was too depressed to sleep, even though that is always my method to escaping this world other than suicide. I just wasn't up to it. Nor was I up to eating anything either.

I haven't eaten for the last few days. I'd just tell them I already did and go up to my room.

Feeling my eyes get heavier and heavier with each passing second, I finally let they drop and carry me into a deep slumber.

I am really not looking forward to this...

The loud beeping sound of my alarm clock was the first thing I heard that morning. Groaning, I reach over and slam my fist on the alarm.

'God I hate that thing...'

Instead of getting up, I bury my face in my pillow and sigh. 'Perhaps if I fake being sick they'll let me stay home..But that probably won't work since-'

A sudden knocking at my door cut me off. Knowing full well who it was I just remain silent. I really don't want to have to deal with him this morning, or anyone for that matter. Sadly the knocking continued and gradually got louder before it finally stopped.

"Lovino, it's time to get up and ready for school so hurry up or you'll be later again." Nonno said on the other end or the door. After a while the sound of footsteps disappeared leaving me to lie there.

Knowing fully well of what would happen if I don't get up soon, I forget about the excuse and slowly start to get ready.

Grabbing all of my books and my bag I walk down the stairs into the kitchen where i'm greeted by a rushed Feli, who runs right passed me.

"What are you in such a rush for?" I ask. He quickly replies to me while he puts his shoes on.

"I'm going to be late meeting up with Luddy and Kiku! If i'm not there in time, Luddy is going to be anger at me. I'll see you later fratello! Bye!" And with that he runs out the door, leaving me alone to stand there.

"Yeah...Bye..." I say. Sighing I walk into the kitchen. Of course, and there goes Feli. Running away to go and join his friends while i'm just here with nothing. I'm jealous of him on how he has everything and me on how I don't. Looking down at my feet, I walk into the kitchen where nonno was.

"There you are, hurry and get something to eat I have a meeting early this morning and i can't be late." He asks.

Oh shit I forgot, Feli is usually with us when we drive to school and now that he is with him friends I have to shit in that god forsake car alone with him. I just hope nothing about my attempted suicide or anything school related comes up.

"Um..No it's ok i'm not hungry, lets just get going." I say, causing him to look at me.

"You sure?"

I simply nod, hoping to just get this over with.

Getting into the passenger seat, nonno starts up the care and begins to back out of the driveway. Most of the drive was in uncomfortable silence. I really want to say something, but if I do it might turn into something completely different so I decided to stay quiet.

"So..how has school been for you?" Nonno asked me. God damn it! I was really hoping that we would be silent the rest of the ways there. But not only that, it was a school question.

"Oh... Yeah it's going fantastic..." I mumble out. He glance over to me and turns his attention back to the road.

"Are you sure?" He asks, obviously knowing something is up.

"Yes." I lie, a hint of annoyance in my voice.

"Because I recently had a talk with your teachers and-"

"You what!?" I say cutting him off.

"I had a talk with your teachers, and they say you are doing very poorly in class. Either from back sassing them to napping during an important lesson. Not to mention you are fail all of your tests and questions. Why is that? Why is it that you are doing this to yourself!? Don't you care about your grades? Your future, what about that? Don't you care at all!?" He questions, his voice growing louder each second.

I didn't reply, because to be honest i really didn't have an answer for him. I just continued to look out the car window which only made him grow angrier.

"Lovino answer me! Why are you doing this to yourself!?" Nothing...

Knowing I won't answer he just sighs and focuses on the road again.

"Why can't you be more like your brother..?" He mumbles, causing my eyes to widen. D-did he really just say that..? No...Why...Why must everyone tell me this..?

"He's smart, gets him work done and on time, he's polite and not rude, he doesn't you profanity like you do an-"

"Let me out.."

"What?"

"I said..to let me out of the car.."

"I'm sorry but I-"

"I SAID NOW!"

And with that nonno parks near the curve and I quickly grab my stuff and get out of the car, slamming the door behind me. I ignored that sound of my nonno calling to me and I continued to walk, my head hanging low and tear threatening to fall.

Why must everyone say that to me? I know that i'm nothing like him and that I never will. And I know that no one will ever like me or want me as a friend. So why must everyone keep telling me this? Why...?

While I was deep into thought, I accidentally run into something causing me to land square on my ass as well as the stranger. Says curse words under my breath, I rub my sore behind.

"Oh, Dios mío! I'm so sorry about that! Here let me help you up." Glancing up, I noticed a hand outstretched towards me. The man, who's hand it belong to had short curly brown hair, green eyes, and lightly tanned skin. To be honest he was kind of handsome..Wait...what the fuck did I just say!?

Frowning, I pick myself off the ground and turn to the stranger.

"Watch where you are going next time, stronzo!" I said trying to sound as pissed as I could, but what I didn't expect was for him to smile at me.

"Haha, I guess I should though huh? My bad, but you are ok though right?" Did he just ask me..if i'm alright.

"Of course i'm not. You just ran into me and knocked me on my ass! It hurt a lot!"

"Y-yeah, again i'm really sorry about that~" He says nervously. I just roll my eyes and continue walking, school starts in 5 minutes but it's not like I care if i'm late to be honest. Hearing footsteps beside me I look up and see that annoying guy from a few seconds ago walking next to me, with a large smile plastered on his face.

"W-what the hell do you think you are doing!?" I ask, he looks over at me still smiling.

"I'm walking with you~"

"Why!?"

"Well why not~"

"Because I don't want you to that's why!"

He continues to look at me with that stupid grin. It was really starting to make me uncomfortable!

"So what is your name?" He says. I look at him as if he had two head. Did he seriously just ask me that.

"It's none of your damn business!"

"Aw come on, please~"

"...It's Lovino..Lovino Vargas.." I mumble.

"Aw what a cute name~ My name is Antonio. Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. It's nice to meet you Lovi~!" He says. What the hell did he just call me!?

"Don't call me that you bastardo! And why they hell are you following me anyway?" He looked at me and gave me a wide grin. How the hell is he not angry about me calling him name? Usually everyone is..

"Hmm, I'm not sure really~" I stare at him in shock. This ass hole is just following me for no reason what so ever, what the hell! This guy is really starting to piss me off!

Before I could say anything else the bell rings signaling that I was late. I let out a groan and start to walk faster, while Antonio right behind me.

"Ah so you go here too? That's great news!"

"Oh yeah, how..?"

He smiles "Because I just moved here~!"


	4. Chapter 3

“….Eh!?” I questioned. 

“I. Just. Moved. Here.” He said slowly trying to make sure I understood. “I. Go. To. This. School. Now. Just. Like. You. Do~”

“Well no shit Fucktard! I kind of already guessed that!” I snapped back. This asshole is so fucking annoying it’s giving me a headache! Jeez doesn't this guy have somewhere to be or something like going to the office and NOT following me around everywhere.

“Where the hell did you move from anyway?” I asked even though it was quite obvious. He seemed to brighten up at my question. God, all of this cheerfulness is making me queezy.

“From Spain~” He said as he went into detail about his country and its marvelous beauty. 

Does this guy ever fucking shut up, he is really starting to piss me off!

After finally entering the school building I rush off to class hoping to get away from that bastard. 

As I panted, due to running so much in such a large ass school, I look to see if he was still there. 

God damn it doesn’t this guy have anywhere else to be!!!

“Oy, don’t you have somewhere to be or something!?!” I said with annoyance. He just tilted his head as that smile of his never faded in the slightest. 

“This is room F205 right?” He asked.

“Obviously.” I rolled my eyes. The room number was right next to him after all.

“Then this is where I’m supposed to be, it looks like we will have history together Lovi~! Isn't that great~!” No! No! NO! It’s is not great! 

I just hope that the universe doesn't fuck with me and make him sit next to me of all people! 

I gritted my teeth and growled in annoyance before turning to face the door.

“First of all, knock it off with that fucking name already, it’s really pissing me off! Secondly, if you want to keep a good clean reputation with the other students in this school, I suggest that you stay away from me and never talk to me again, is that clear?” He gave me a funny look, obviously confused as to what I meant by what I was telling him.

“Look you’re new here, you’ll find out why. Now just wait out here and don’t come in for a minute or two.” I sighed. He still had the same look.

“Why-“

“Because you just have to ok!” I exclaimed, cutting him off. He was hesitant but finally nodded. I took a deep sigh before opening the door and walking inside. 

After walking inside the classroom and being greeted by the familiar sight of glares from my peers, getting lectured and handed a detention slip from my asshole of a teacher, Mr. Snow. 

I walked over to my seat in the far back of the room hearing whispers and groans from my classmates as I walked by them. 

One of the jocks from the football team out stretched his foot out in order to trip me. Not noticing this at all, I tripped over his leg and fell to the ground with a thud. 

Luckily it didn't hurt much since I was prepared that this would happen. It happens every morning… 

I quickly stood up and made my way over to my seat silently as the students all laughed at me. 

Even the fucking teacher was laughing his ass off! I fucking hate this…All of it…

As I sat in my seat the door slowly opened revealing the one and only annoying bastard I was talking too minutes ago. 

He made his way over to the teacher as the other students began to whisper to each other.

“Alright class, settle down now. We have a new student joining us today. Please say your name and a little about yourself.” Mr. Snow said as Antonio stood at the front of the classroom grinning.

“Hello everyone it’s nice to meet you all, my name is Antonio Fernandez Carriedo.” As he began to ramble on about himself I paid little heed as I doodled in my notebook, caring little about all the random crap that was spouting out of his mouth. 

That was until I heard my name… 

I glanced up and saw that damn Spaniard walking over to me with that fucking smiled as he sat in the seat to my left.

The universe just fucking hates I doesn't it!!!! Well fuck you too universe! You fucking asshole!!!!! 

I just sighed and laid my head behind my arms and closed my eyes; frustratingly.

This is going to be a long day…


	5. Chapter 4

History is boring as per usual. Nothing fun ever happens in this stupid class other than the usual boring lectures and horrendous note taking. 

Why the hell do they even make us take all of these unnecessary classes in the first place? It's not like we need to know every single detail about every single thing that happened in the past. Yeah sure, if I became a Historian or some shit like that then maybe. Heh, I doubt any of these idiots would ever become something like that. 

“Lovino pay attention!” Mr. Snow yelled as he leaned close to me ear. 

I jump at the volume of his voice and immediately sat up straight, my eye locking to the front of the board as my face grew red from embarrassment.

As Mr. Snow grunted and walked to the front of the room, I could hear the soft chuckles of my classmates as they whispered to each other. Most likely to be about me, I thought. Whatever...

As both my posture and interest started to drop a crumpled up note landed right on my desk. I look at the note for a minute before hearing a, 'psst!' Confused, I look up to find that bastard Antonio gesturing to the note.

Looking at the note and then back at him, I quietly sighed and carefully opened the note, reading the content inside.

_'Dear Lovi,_

_You look so cute when you are flustered! And your face turned so red it reminded me of the tomatoes that I use to grow back home~_

_From Your Friend,  
Antonio'_

I nearly choked on my own spit after reading the note, my face growing hotter every second. Who the hell does he think he is calling me cute and comparing me to a fucking fruit!!! No one that's who, no matter how magnificent it may be on food! And much less calling me his friend too!

I turn my head and glare and him the best I could as I tried to suppress my anger that's just waiting to be unleashed. 

All I earn from that cheery asshole is a chuckle! 

A fucking chuckle!

I decided that I'd write a hateful reply back to him as I thought what I should write when...

“Teacher Lovino is passing notes to the new student!” Said asshole #1 who sat directly behind me.

I began to panic as I tried to find a place to hide to note. Last time someone passed a note to me was to purposely get me in trouble. Mr. Snow quickly found the note and I had an after school detention and had to write a 10 page essay on the rules of the class. 

As he made his way over, I shoved the note in my mouth and tried to hide any evidence of having said note. 

Mr. Snow glared down at me and held out his hand.

“The note, Lovino. Hand it over.”

“I don't know what you are talking about.” I said innocently looking in the opposite direction from him. My cheek slightly puffed out but not to much for him to know that it was the note.

“Lovino, I don't have all day. Give. Me. The. **NOTE!** ” He growled. 

“It's in his mouth!” Some random slutty bitch said.

Shhiiittt!!! 

_“LOVINO!”_

Now what!?! 

…

Ah fuck it!

I swallowed the small paper and slightly shivered. That shit was fucking grossed, but at least I saved my ass from writing another shitty essay!

“Open your mouth or you will get another detention!” My teacher snapped.

“Fine.” I shrugged as I opened my mouth for him to see. Mr. Snow just grunted before walking away, keeping a close eye on my throughout the rest of the period.


	6. Chapter 5

'Well fuck a duck! I still managed to get myself a detention in the end. Plus it's a Saturday school! I'd rather stay after school like last time. Dumb ass, teacher.' I growled in thought, ripping the slip of paper into little piece as I made my way down the school's hallway.

'And it's all because of that ass Antonio!' My face grew red from anger as I tried to find a trash can to throw the ripped paper way. Hey, I may hate this goddamn school and everyone in it, but that doesn't mean that I will litter. Only Assholes litter.

I sighed as I quickly made my way to my next class, careful as to avoid any of my usual bullies, as well as that bastard. Luckily for me, for the first time in months, no one bothered me as I took a step into my science class, Oceanography. This was my favorite class out of all, mainly because it is easy as hell, the teacher is the only one that doesn't hate my guts, and none of my bullies have this class.

Taking a seat in my assigned seat in the front row of the class, I took out my notebook and pencils and waited patiently for the other students to slowly pour into the room.

As soon as the bell rung, the teacher, Mr. Saton, began his lecture on marine animals and that we will be partnered up with our shoulder partners on a project on two animals, one animal a benthos and the other a swimmer.

Chuckling to himself, I glancing over to my right seeing an empty seat as always as the others around me are already partnered up with their pairs.

Thankfully, Mr. Saton never paired me up with anyone and allowed me to do my projects and other assignments alone considering no one ever sat in the seat next to me before.

"To make sure other groups don't end up getting the same animals, one person from each group will pick one animal from two different hats. The first hat has the names of swimmers and the second has the benthic animals."

As he started to call up groups one by one and marking down their animals, Mr. Saton turned to my direction, a small smile on his face.

"Well today is your lucky day Lovino." I gave him a questioning look. What the hell was he talking about?

"What do you mean?" I asked. Mr. Saton pointed into the corner of the room, making me turn around hesitantly.

"He is going to be your partner."

"WHAT!?" I tried to stand up but failed as I fell out of my seat and crashed onto the floor. Mr. Saton sighed and repeated himself once more.

"But why!? Why do I have to go with that bastard? And what the hell is he even doing here in the first place!?" I began to angrily rant as my teacher calmly stood there, already use to my behavior, as well as having extreme patience with just about anything.

"I'm sorry Lovino, but he doesn't have a partner, plus he's new here so he needs as much help as he can get." Mr. Saton crossed his arm and nodded before gesturing the ass that got me a Saturday school over.

Grabbing his things, Antonio bounded his way over and sat in the seat to my right, grinning like the piece of shit he is. I sighed in deep and utter frustration. This day is just getting worse by the second.

I plopped back into my seat and slammed my head onto the desk as I tried to calm myself down. God, I could practically FEEL that idiot's stupid cheerful aura radiating off of him.

"So Lovi, what animal do you want to do the project on? I don't necessarily know what a benthos animal is, but I'm sure you will be able to tell me all I need to know~" I eye twitched furiously as I shot my head up to glare at him.

"First off, don't fucking call me 'Lovi' again! It's Lovino! Second, I don't give a shit what I do it on, as long as this shitty project gets done. And how exactly am I suppose to know, we haven't even been called up yet! And lastly, a benthic animal is a bottom feeder you, idiota! Look it up, goddamn it!"

As I went on raging at the idiot in front of me, he began to laugh loudly, causing me to stop mid-rant and look his way, my face growing red in anger.

"What the hell are you laughing at!?" Antonio shook his head and wiped a tear away, as he tried to settle himself down.

"I-It's nothing, just the fact that you are really funny is all~" My face began to softened as I gave a confused look. Before I could question him, our group was called up and I made my way over to the teacher. Before I could pick Mr. Saton stopped me.

"Please just get along with Antonio this one time, Lovino. It's just for two weeks." I scoffed at him. Just one period with this asshole is like a decade already. I nodded at the teacher and reached into both hats and dragged myself back to my seat. As I sit down, Antonio glances over my shoulder curiously.

"So what do we have?" I send him a cold glare about to yell at him when I notice how close he was to my face.

My glare instantly dropped as my eyes widened and my mouth found it hard to be able to form sentences as my face began to strangely heat up. Antonio noticed my staring and looked at me, our eyes locking into the other.

"..."

"..."

…...

…...

…...*BaDump**BaDump**BaDump*...

My face began to glowed redder and redder as my chest starting to feel heavy, with every passing second as we continued to look at the other.

It...It hurts.

…..What...What is this...Feeling...?

Finally being able to snap out of our little staring competition, I quickly looked in the opposite direction, my face still keeping it's redness, my lips quivering in embarrassment.

"H-How t-the hell am I s-suppose to know, you idiot! I never even got the chance t-to look at it yet!" Antonio blinked several times before closing his eyes and smiling nervously, a tint of redness appearing on his face as well.

"R-Right, sorry about that~" Not once looking his way, I slowly opened the paper and glanced at it.

"Our benthic is a clam." I said in a low voice.

'God, what the fuck is wrong with me! Why can't I talk normally damn it!' I thought angrily as Antonio nodded, ushering me to open the other one. Opening the other paper I hand it to him, making sure not to touch him in the process. Whatever this weird ass feeling is, it had to have come from him. It to have! I was just fine before he came.

"Our swimmer is a catfish." Antonio smiled and began to write down the animals, folding the papers back up and giving them back to the teacher.

The next 2 hours of the period was spent starting the project, looking up facts and writing anything that could be found in the book down, and drawing the pictures of our animals. Right as the bell rung, I sighed in relief, thankful that it was finally lunch and I didn't have to spend anymore time with Antonio for a while.

Collecting his things and making my way out of the door, I was stopped as a hand grabbed my arm. Thinking that it was someone who wanted to pick a fight, I turned around and raised my fist, about to punch the fucker in the mouth. I already wasn't in the mood, so I am pretty fucking pissed right now. However, before I could punch the daylight out of the ass, I stopped myself noticing that it was just Antonio. Groaning, I looked at him irritatedly.

"What the hell do you what?" Antonio smiled before placing something in my hand. Raising an eyebrow, I open my hand wider to see a torn piece of paper with random numbers on it.

"What the fuck is this?" Antonio chuckled before placing a hand on my shoulder.

"It's my phone number, tonto~" I looked up at him confused.

"And why the fuck would I want this?" I asked.

"For the project." He simply said.

"Oh." I muttered frowning, feeling my heart strangely drop a little. Well that was blunt as fuck!

"Well that, and because I just want to keep in touch. You know, If I ever feel lonely and need to talk to a friend~" He grinned as I stared at the number blankly.

'….Wait a second...' I thought while squinting.

"What the hell do you mean by 'friend'!" I yelled at him.

"I think of you as a friend. In fact, you're my only friend so far, I am still new after all~" He said. I looked down at the ground in utter confusion and anger. At what lengths do I have to go to get this guy to leave me alone! What is it going to take to finally it through his head that I don't and never will be his friend, nor anyone else.

Deciding on not continuing this conversation any further, I shove the paper into my pocket and sharply turn around, slowly walking my way to the cafeteria.

"Fine, I'll keep the damn number. But only because we have a project to finish, not because we are friends. Because I already told you before and I am not going to repeat it again. I don't have friends and I don't plan on ever having any in the near future." Antonio gave a concerned looked as he watched me leave until I was fully gone from his sight.

I groaned loudly and reached my hands up to rub my temples as I felt a large headache coming on. I don't know why I said that, I have only know this idiot for not even a day and i can already tell that he is the more persistent type.

I pause right in front of the cafeteria as I begin to contemplate this whole situation. Honestly, why am I so against being his friend. I mean really, this is the first person in a LONG time who has ever come up to me and hasn't done any mentally or bodily harm to me and actually wants to be FRIENDS of all things. I may never get this chance again.

"Maybe...I should reconsider..." I quietly said.

Sighing, I shake my head violently and smack myself hard, frowning sadly.

Of course it's not possible, he's just lying to you! As if anyone in the world would ever consider you a friend."

But what if he was telling the truth?

_Even if he was, and you do some how became friends. He would leave you for another, just like the rest of them did._

But what if he is different then the others?

_What difference? They're all the same. Every leave you, there is no point in denying it._

I lifted my hands to my throat where my scar was, closing my eyes as they began to overflow with tears.

_Ever since that day you have been alone._

I began to open the doors and made my way inside, all eyes were on my figure. Sneers and snide remark float their way into my ears, hearing every last word that they uttered.

_And forever alone you shall be._


	7. Chapter 6

“Oh? If it isn’t little Lovino~. Как дела?” Ivan smiled.

“What the hell do you think? Shit, as usual.” I mumbled as I slowly sat down next to the large Russian man. Ivan raised a silver eyebrow as he questionably looked down at my smaller frame. I snapped my head toward me, throwing a glare his way.

“What?” I asked with obvious frustration. 

Letting his brow fall, he simply shrugged his shoulders and chuckled.

“It’s nothing. You just seem more aggravated lately. Does something bother friend?” 

Huffing in annoyance, my glare hardens as I stared directly into his eyes to let him know that I was telling him the absolute truth.

“First off, I am not your friend! I do not have any friends. You are just a tablemate that I just happen to sit next to everyday. The closest I would consider you to be is no more than an acquaintance. Secondly, no, nothing is going on. Or at least nothing that should concern you, anyway.” 

Fuck, what is with everyone today!? Asking if I’m alright and shit. Is there something leaking into the air or something? Must be. This isn’t the first time Ivan has done this, but now other people!

Ivan sighed deeply before turning his attention elsewhere, knowing full well that it takes a lot more to get me to open up. 

I relaxed my shoulders and took a large breath in and exhaled in relaxation as I tried to clear my head, attempting to get some peace before all hell broke loose once more. 

Glancing around the table Ivan and I were currently sitting at; I looked at the other occupants with a bored expression as they started to ramble on about different topics. 

There was Arthur Kirkland, the so-called “wizard” of the school. He was sitting in between the always invisible Mathew Williams to his left and the brother obsessed Natalia to his right. Next to them was the trigger happy Swiss man Vash and his younger sister Lili who was chatting with Ivan and Natalia’s older sister, Katyusha. Sitting directly in front of me is the ever-so-loud albino, 

Gilbert, and the quiet and resourceful otaku beside him, Kiku. 

Confused as to why I am sitting at a table with other people? Well, I hope you fucking are. 

And if you haven’t realized that this school is stereotypical as fuck at the beginning, well then you have not seen enough of that Hollywood bullshit then. This school is the embodiment of all high school cliché movies. 

And just like in Mean Girls, you have the jocks in one group together, the band geeks, theater, the popular kids, etc.

As for us, we call ourselves the “Undesirables”. We are the people that everyone avoids or bully. 

The unpleasant and unwanted group of the school. 

Grunting in exhaustion, I crack my eyes open and stare at the two men in front of me as they idly chat with the other. 

God, that fucker is get way to loud! He needs to settle the fuck down!

I frowned slighting as I directed my sight solely on Kiku. There was something about him that I just didn’t understand. Why the hell is he here? He shouldn’t be sitting here. He is friends with my brother and his stupid potato, so why does he choose to sit here of all places? It just doesn’t make any sense. 

He has the ability to leave whenever he wants and have a normal high school life, free from the taunting of others. Even now, he doesn’t get as much shit on as the rest of us. 

Honestly, I’m jealous.

I’m jealous of the freedom he possesses. It may not be a lot, but it’s more than I have ever had in my short lifetime. 

Perhaps it is the friendship with my brother. Or maybe it’s because of his kind and helpful nature. 

Maybe both? 

Whatever it is, if I were him, I would have taken opportunity and ran for the hills with it a long time ago.

“Lovino, are you alright? You’ve been staring at me for quite some time now.” Kiku asked with worry lacing across his usually emotionless face. 

Rapidly blinking out of my thoughts, I glanced around the table to notice everyone looking my way, containing the same expression Kiku had. Minus Natalia and Vash that is, their faces were blank and uncaring as they always were. I quickly nodded and looked down at the table, avoided everyone’s eyes. 

“Perfect. Just perfect.” 

There was a pregnant pause between everyone as the atmosphere grew thicker with every passing second as their eyes bore into me painfully. My eye began to twitch as I hoped someone would break the silence. 

“Oh, if you say so.” Kiku said disappointed. 

Signaling that lunch is now over, the bell blared loudly on the speakers, sending students scrambling to throw their trash away and rush to their next class. 

As soon as the massive crowd of students cleared up everyone at our table stood up and made their way to the doors.

“Let’s go Lili, we have to get to class before we are late.” Vash said dragging Lili by the arm.

“A-Alright. Bye everyone.” Lili waved as she trailed behind her brother. 

“Later losers, I’ve got to take my leave. But don’t worry, you will see the awesome me once more.” 

Gilbert yelled as he took off from the rest of the group. Kiku, Arthur and Mathew shortly after. 

Before I could make my way into the hallways, Ivan stopped me before I had the chance. 

“Look, if I am late to class, I am going to get my ass handed to me again. So please make this quick.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, sighing.

“I just want you to hear me out alright. I understand that you do not consider you and I to be friends, nor do you consider the others as well, and I am alright with that. But, I just to tell you that it’s alright to tell us anything that is on your mind. It’s better to just let it out then to just keep it in. Please just consider the possibility. After all, undesirables should stick together.” I stared at him for a while longer before turning around and facing the doors, in deep thought. 

Deciding to not give a reply, I walked to the double doors and placed my hand on the when he added,  
“You might not, be we consider you a friend.” 

My eyes widened for a split second before closing them and slamming the doors open and stomping down the hallways away from Ivan. 

Shit… I never wanted this… I thought clenching my fists tightly storming my way to my class.

 _What do you mean? You’ve always wanted to have friends._ A voice asked.

That’s not what I meant! That’s never what I wanted! Clutching my hands to my head, my pace began to quicken into a fast walk.

 _Then what do you want?_ It questioned.

I-I don’t know… I replied, not believing myself for a second. 

_That’s not an answer! What do you want!?_

I don’t know! 

_Answer me! What is it that you want!!_

"I DON’T KNOW!!!" I screamed back. At this point my walking turned into a sprint as I made my way passed my classroom not even caring of what would become of me.

I-I just… 

Why…

Why am I so emotional all of a sudden? What Ivan said, shouldn’t have affected me. So why…why am I so angry and sad all of a sudden? What is wrong with me? 

I’m shit! Shit! Complete garbage! I’m a waste of time and space to be around! I don’t deserve to be around people who care about me! Who try to help and support me even though I act like a complete asshole to them!

And these damn voices just keep getting louder and louder! No matter how fast or far I run, they just seem to get closer and closer.

I can’t take this anymore!

“J-Just leave me alone…P-Please! Just shut up!” I sob my voice cracking as tears cascaded down my face as I shut my eyes, attempting to prevent more tears from falling. My hands firmly planted on my ears as I tried to block out all of the noises.

Suddenly feeling a sharp pain run through my body, I fall on my ass realizing I ran into something hard.

“Oh, I’m sorry I wasn’t watching where I was going. I’m kind of loss-you see…? Lovi?” Antonio face breaks out into worry and he looks down at me. 

My red cheeks were completely stained in tears and my eyes bloodshot red as I let out small hiccups.

Fuck! Can this day just get any worse!?

“Lovi, what’s wrong? Are you hurt!? Did something happen?” Antonio said panicking as he bends down to my eye level on the ground. 

No, I don’t need any more of this! 

As he reached his hand out, I quickly swat it away, giving him the deadliest glare I could muster in my state.

“Fuck.Off.”

Antonio froze in his place, arm still outstretch, a look of incredulous clear on his face as we stared at each other. 

“Lo-“

Before he could say I word, I picked myself up and took off down the hall at an alarming rate. 

“Lovino wait!” 

Fuck him! Fuck Antonio! Who does he think he is trying to touch me? Trying to be nice! I hate people like him. They can all just go and die for all I care.

Finding my destination, I quickly kick open the door and make my way up the stairs. 

“Lovi, please wait!” God damnit! That fucker is catching up! 

Ah, finally! 

Kicking open the door to the rooftop, I run across the building and quickly take a step up onto the ledge as I glance down to see myself 5 stories up. Feeling a sudden wooziness overcome me, I just slightly pray that this fall will be enough to end it.

“Lovino, what are you doing!?!” Antonio panicked. I glared at him as I gestured down below me.

“What the fuck do you think it looks like, asshole!” I yelled, as I tried to control my sobs.

“Lovino, please, just listen to me-“

“No **YOU** fucking listen to **ME!!!** I don’t know who you fucking think you are, but you have no right to just walk into my life like that and self-proclaim yourself as someone I can trust! And to someone you don’t even know! What kind of person does that!?” I yelled and I paced back and forth on the ledge, causing Antonio’s heart to drop.

“An idiot, that’s who,” He said trying to remain clam as to not push me further. “I agree, I am a huge idiot who doesn’t know how to give people their space and am always way too happy.”

“You’re damn right about that! I’ve only known you for a day and your happiness makes me want to puke! I swear you’re like all of these other asshole at the school!” 

“How is that so?” 

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I muttered. He just shook his head, a pleading look in his eyes.

“Please tell me.”

“Why? Just so you can use me and then stab me in the back like everyone else in the world. Well you’ll just have to get in line!”

“Is that it?”

“Is that it? Of course it’s not! There is tons more to it than that! There’s all the times I’ve been called horrendous names, pushed, punched, kicked, so many things have happened! And I have tried so hard to keep how I feel to myself, and to pretend that these emotions that I am feeling are not real, but now it seems to be getting harder and harder to contain them! There are so many emotions surfacing that I don’t even know what’s real anymore!” Crouching down, I glanced at the ground below me as the tears came back, flooding my vision. I slowly placed my hands on my head and sat in a fetal position.

“I’m a terrible person! I don’t deserve to have people as nice as you or Ivan or anyone else! I’m a jerk with uncontrollable anger issues who just takes up space! I don’t need anyone; they all just leave me anyway.” That idiot hasn’t talked for a while now; he’s probably sick of hearing me complain and wants me gone too. 

Just like everyone else.

What I didn’t realize was that while I was having my meltdown was that Antonio was slowly inching closer to me, trying to be as silent as he possibly could as not to startle me.  
Before I could jump off, Antonio’s arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me back. Landing on my ass, Antonio pushed me flat on the ground with him leaning over me, legs on opposite sides of mine in a straddle like position. His face contorted in a deep frown, enough to make me uncomfortable, but his eyes were still gentle and kind, with understanding. 

My eyes were wide in shock and disbelief. This has never happened before. If he was someone else, they would have let me jump to my death. But, why him? Why did he stop me? I don’t understand…

“I-“ 

“No! Let me talk.” I scoffed at him. No one tells me to stop talking!

“Fuck that-! “

“Just **STOP** talking! **Let. Me. Talk!** ” Well, maybe just this once…

“…”

He sighed deeply, before looking me straight in the eyes.

“I understand.” I blinked at him not knowing what he was talking about. In seeing my confusion, he decided to get straight to the point.

“I know what you are going through. It’s not an easy life to live in these days. What with so many people having to deal with heavy burdens alone, a lot can get out of hand…But please, I need you to listen to what I have to say…” His eyes grew heavier and his tone softer and silky giving him an allure that most would swoon at. Eyeing my hands, which lied beside my head, he reached out his hands out to wrap his around my own, our fingers slide against each other’s as they intertwined. As he slowly starts leaning down, my cheeks grew into a dangerous shade of red, causing me to close my eyes to save myself from the embarrassment of looking him in the eye. 

Feeling his forehead touch mine, I dared not to open them, as if he was death himself coming to take me away if I even took one glance at him. And as much as that sounded a few minutes ago, I am too afraid to do so now. 

“Lovi, please open your eyes and look at me.” He gently pleaded. 

“N-No…” I whispered.

“Why not?” 

“Because…”

“Because why?”

“Because-“ 

I just can’t finish my sentence. It was as if some evil force was preventing me from doing so. 

Trying to muster up as much energy as I could, I let out the tiniest whisper I could conjure, but loud enough so he could still hear. 

“Because I’m afraid.” Antonio stayed silent for a few seconds before replying.

“What are you afraid of?”

This is it, I’ve cracked. Finally opening my eyes, I glare at him. Not only did it hold remorse and pain, but also with relief, as if a large weight was lifted off of me.

“I’m afraid of everything! I’m afraid that this isn’t real and that you aren’t real, and that after all of this this will be all for nothing! I’m afraid of being hurt and abused again, and having to go back to my life of self-loathing and pity! All I want to do is to not be myself but rather someone else, anyone but myself! I don’t care! I just want to chance, is that so much to ask?” 

Antonio slightly tightened his grip on my hands as his forehead remained glued to mine.

“Don’t.” Glancing up at him, a gentle smile spread across his face.

“What? What do you mean don’t?”

“It means exactly what I said, don’t.” I narrowed my eyes at him in annoyance.

“Aren’t you supposed to be making me feel better or something, this isn’t exactly helping you know?” 

That fucker, he’s laughing!

“I-I’m sorry~ what I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t change who you are.” Grunting in irritation, I glared at him.

“And why not?”

“Because I think you are perfect the way you are. Faults and all.”

“…” 

“And no matter what you say or do I am never going back on what I said!” He said as he finally got off of me. A large grin spread across his face as he sat down next to me.

“W-What!? You better fucking take back what you said!” I yelled as I sat up beside him.

“Nope~!”

“God damnit!” I screamed.

“No swearing, Lovi!”

“Don’t call me Lovi, you bastard!” 

After some time later both of us made it back down to the first floor of the large school, as I still fumed in rage at the Spaniard beside me.

“Oh I forgot something!” Antonio said as he snapped his fingers.

“Oh yeah and what is that!?” I said annoyed with my eyes closed and arms folded against my chest. 

Feeling something wet against my forehead and an arm wrapped around me, I opened my eyes to find him kissing it, causing my face erupted into 50 shades of red.

After he pulled away he had the tiniest smirk on his face, pissing me off even more.

“Hey Lovi~?”

“W-what do you fucking what?”

_“I’ll never leave your side. I promise you.”_


End file.
